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105 Days Until Second Chances And the Uncertain End (part 2)
The canvas was white, covered in the dried paint that he had given it the day before. He had loved the painting but with limited supplies and inspiration, all he could do was cover what existed before and give it new life. The canvas of all blue and black had been eradicated with layers upon layers of white. He felt consumed by the urge to erase it all the moment he had begun. Starring at the canvas Evester could only think of what was before. He thought of Zeydar’s annoyed expression. He thought of Zeydar sleeping next to him and holding his hand for safety. He though of the soft look Zeydar had given him a few days ago. He thought of the way Zeydar eyed him and quietly said he was okay.
That was the face that had inspired him.
Color to the canvas, Evester took very deliberate strokes before turning haphazard. Without any real direction or thought, he let his mind tell him where to go and how. He truly adored Zeydar. Truly.
It was odd to think about, especially now that he was alone in the middle of nowhere with only boredom on his mind. For a long time, before painting had captured him, he had not understood why the others were apprehensive towards him. What were his real feelings for Zeydar? Was he only reaching out because of a whim like they feared? Would he still like Zeydar once Zeydar was no longer a threat? What a question.
And a question he was certain he did not have the answer for.
He thought of Europa and Endwin and how he had been raised. None of them were normal. None of them saw relationships as normal. Their parents weren’t in a normal relationship either, confusing the whole world on exactly what the status of their marriage was or is. Evester was in an awkward predicament where he had no idea what to do. He knew how he felt. He knew that it was real. He knew the others had recognized that. However, he wondered if Zeydar would ever not be a threat. He was, perhaps, the most powerful being on the planet. Was that not what attracted Evester to him? Yes, Zeydar was a danger. However Evester was a true bred Igilistal and they were drawn to those who not only suited their needs well, but challenged them. They searched for candidates that were powerful. It was why Europa loved Uly. It was why Evester liked Zeydar.
And so he was painting.
Evester tossed the paint out, hoping that it would help him explain his frustration. He had long explored the feelings, but how would he articulate them to others? Was it that they couldn’t form or he didn’t want to actually address the thoughts themselves? He knew that by vocalizing them, people would read into it as well as he read them. They knew what it meant for an Igilistal to like someone, to claim that they loved them. Yet, he could not voice the words yet. Was it fear? Was he afraid of being tied down by his family’s name? Was he afraid that Zeydar did not like him back? Zeydar was not Uly. Zeydar did not understand the Igilistals as intimately as Uly did, to work with their idiosyncrasies. What if…
“Interesting.” Rayda spoke from behind him startling him out of the line of thought that was about to give him an epiphany. “That’s rather soft.”
“Not like the violent ones?” Evester joked with her, before looking at what he actually had made.
“Out of character for you.” Rayda went on, walking in.
“What is in character for me? I’ve been painting for a few weeks only.” He placed his paint down. He had to agree with her. It was unlike the other one. This one was too real. It was the framework for everything he wanted to say and couldn’t. “What’s up?”
“We have training.” Rayda paused before examining the painting closer and dropping her tone to a sweeter one. She saw what he was beginning to say in the painting. “You sure you’re okay?”
She saw. She knew. She wanted him to say it but he could not say it yet. He didn’t have the words. “I should add some more to this and then I’ll go.”
“Trust me. I’m good. This is just…” Somehow his emotions were too airy and deeply concerning. He really did need to think about them and address them. “Nothing. No worries.”
“If you say so.”
And if it wasn’t he had people he could talk to. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
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